I am so frustrated with life right now and can't blog about things, so I have been NOT blogging. It stinks. I need to write out what I experience and feel and blow out my frustrations in writing. It's how I deal. But I can't do that right now, so I am not able to "deal" very well. When I can't write what I feel, I apparently won't write anything.
There are 3 major situations that have been hurting me throughout the last 7 months.
1. Some major hurt from our former church. It hurts worse than a LOT of things I've been through.
2. My husband and I separated.
3. We've lost 3 babies in a year and a half.
I'm doing alright with the loss of Aksel. I look at his high chair and think of how he would have fit in the tiny little cup holder spot and will never be big enough to sit in there and I cry. But I am alright with how things turned out. I grieve him, but am glad that he will not experience the emotional and physical pains of this world.
My marriage is getting worked on, and I know that we will be OK. We have to remain separated for awhile so Donnie can work through his recovery, but we are both confident that things will be better in the future.
The church stuff. Ouch. A group that felt I was wronged ended up confronting the leadership in front of the assembly, and we were invited so that this time we wouldn't be talked about without being able to dispute things. It was good, because the elders were saying that we left the church because I was asked to step down, but that isn't even remotely the reason. I didn't want to leave at all. We left because the elders would not answer to the congregation WHY they did what they did, and since it is a congregation led church, they are obligated to answer why they do things. They refused to answer very vague (nothing confidential) questions. They also refused to look into the fact that I felt they were acting on lies told about me. We later proved it, and instead of accepting that proof, they decided to tear down that very influential man's reputation. So, yes, I am hurting, hurting hurting. I care about these men!
I pray and pray for and about them. This is a battle not of the flesh, and I have to focus on that. I don't believe they are acting on their own accord, and I have to not allow my flesh to blame them. It's a tough, tough path to walk on.
My friends stand beside me and I thank my God for them every day. God led me to the book of Job and I read how his "friends" counseled him. They blamed him, he HAD to be at fault. But he wasn't. That is where I am. I have searched and pleaded with God for what I have done so that I could change and NOT go through this EVER again. (that doesn't mean I didn't do anything wrong in reaction, no one is blameless) But God does not cast blame at me. It isn't about me. My friends don't blame me either. I have better friends than Job! They just love me and cry with me and help me battle the darkness. They see the true battle is in the spiritual world.
We finally have hope after the confrontation. The congregation suggested a panel from the church investigate and pursue reconciliation through repentance. At some point that changed to having a Peacekeeper group come in and help decide on the panel. Some people think it was to decide to have a panel or not, and some people understood it to mean they would help decide how to choose a panel. At any rate, that is expected, but then hope gets dashed again. The person in charge of getting the peacekeepers out decided not to even mention a panel at all, and we have no idea WHY. I am just beyond frustrated. But I will not allow the spiritual warfare to make me quit!
I am now just trying my hardest to focus on the GOOD. Our new church is amazing, and the most focused church I have ever seen at trying to get the lost in to hear God. The dedication and devotion to God's work from the congregation blows me away. We were asked to give the biggest gift we'd ever given to a church with about 2 weeks notice. The congregation gave $182,000+!!!! That meant they had enough above the goal they needed to open a new church site in OUR TOWN!!!!
I am now focusing on helping with the church plant. We are all volunteering and very excited to be a part of it.
