Am I a teenager again?

I was blog hopping today, looking for new blogs to read. Because I have nothing else to do in this world, of course. And I came across a blog post at Jenn rambles on. She mentioned her extreme business and how it seems to be a way to stay away from Jesus. Not out of desire for that, but I assume guilt for not being close to Him. And I responded to her comments because I have felt much the same way. Guilt about serving God when you are struggling with even being able to fully pray.
Here is part of my comment: I can relate, too. But I don't know that I want to admit it just yet. But I am busy, busy, even busy serving, so I can't spend time with Jesus. It started out of hurt, but then getting back became hard, its been so long, I'd be mad at me for neglecting me this long, etc. etc. And it just gets longer and longer. Then things go wrong and I think I shouldn't pray for help because I didn't pray when things were good.
She wrote back to me, and then I started an email to her and realized I wanted to share this. So here is what I said back to her.

I struggle with how honest I can be in my blog, because things are in the past. But I started out being mad at God for allowing some things to not only hurt me, but to get so bad as to devastate me, send me to counselling, and nearly have panic so bad I couldn't leave my house. He knew, He let it happen, He told me in advance that it would happen, but not to the extent it happened. So I was mad, and I knew God was OK with that. But coming back is hard. Even though I am not mad anymore and I am even healed. Not that there haven't been times of clear Godly intervention and love and even prayer, because there have been or I wouldn't be set free from some of the issues I had.
But I do not think serving God when you are not close is wrong. Yes, it can hinder some things, but we know that we love God and He loves us, and as long as you know that you would die before denying Him, then I think you should keep serving. We have to keep serving our husbands even when we don't feel close to them or even like them, much less love them, and it is the right thing to do. And we need to serve our children when they are unlovable, it is our duty, like it or not.
I know God still wants to bless us. I have clearly seen God answer my prayers lately, even though they have been like "God, I can't fix this, you have to give me a new washer." And wallah! A new washer that very night! Same thing with cleats for my boys. And money for a car repair. And money for our HUMONGOUS utility bill. And I know that God is going to step in just at the right moment and provide for our furnace. Even though I am not in close communion with Him.
My guilt comes from looking at that and thinking, why would He keep doing that while I am living with pride? Pride against my relationship with Him? Because He loves me like a parent, and we are like teenagers, whom you just need to love until they come back.

The teenager thing hit me when I was writing it. I'm acting like a teenager. I go to God when I know things are out of my control, but I'm still too prideful to just go back to being His child and letting Him be my father. It was easier when I trusted God with all things and prayed about all things. Life was happy. It wasn't bump free, but it was going the right direction and I had complete peace no matter what. My faith isn't any less than it was, because I actually have more trust for God than at any time in my Christian walk. Even when I was mad. I knew that God loved me and that I could be mad, He already KNEW I was mad at Him. What good would hiding it do? I'm past the mad, I'm past the hurt, I'm healed, and the smashed pieces of my life are being put back together in a fashion that I could not have imagined. God is a beautiful artist. So, what is keeping me from a full prayer life, a close walk with God, that emotional closeness that I once had? Pride?
I'm talking about beyond answered prayers. I'm talking about when you hear God speaking to you, you can feel His presence in the things you do. I still know God and hear His voice and see his hand guide me, it just isn't the same closeness. Like an adoring child who thinks mom and dad are his everything, and then becomes and teenager and knows the same but can't follow it.