I decided it was time to bring the TT back. I've been too busy, but TT is just too much fun and I want to play again. So, housework can wait, children can watch TV; I am playing TT today!
Since this is the beginning of a Holy time, I thought I would pick 13 things from the Lutheran Handbook for TT (probably written for preteens). This is an actual manual for Lutheran kids. Not kidding.
1. How to Survive For One Hour in an Un-Air-Conditioned Church: Plan ahead (sit near a fan or window), Maintain your distance from others to avoid body heat, Avoid acolyte or choir because of the robes, PRAY like Jesus did in the desert for 40 days, and use your bulletin as a fan.
2. How to Sin a Praise Song: Watch Out for raised hands. Some Lutherans emote while singing contemporary Christian songs and may suddenly raise their hands in praise to God. Be sure to give these worshipers plenty of room to avoid losing your eyeglasses.
3. How to respond to a disruption during service: Some people may perceive tennis shoes with light-up soles on acolytes and other worship assistants to be disruptive. If possible, coordinate the color of the shoe lights with the season of the church year to avoid undue flak.
4. How to stay alert in church: Arrive early and find the coffee pot. If all else fails, consider pinching yourself. Dig your nails into the fleshy part of your arm or leg, pinch yourself, bite down on your tongue with moderate pressure. Try not to cry out.
5. What to bring to a church potluck (by region): ask yourself 3 questions: Is this dish mostly meat-free? Can this dish be served with a spoon or salad tongs? Can it be served chilled? If the answer is yes, consider the dish a potluck-eligible salad.
The Casserole: Starch: East Coast: pasta or rice pilaf. Midwest: rice, potatoes, noodles, or more rice. South: Grits. Southwest: black, red, or pinto beans. West coast: tofu.
and is just goes on from there, super funny!
6. How to Avoid getting burned at the stake: Avoid public heresy. Avoid practicing witchcraft. Avoid getting nabbed in a political uprising. Be Aware if you find yourself in a situation where being burned at the stake poses an imminent threat, try wearing flame-retardant material. If there is no escape, request dry wood and plenty of dry kindling. Green wood burns slower, smokier, and at lower temperatures, causing a more painful death.
7. How to identify a genuine miracle: Disregard most minor situations (finding your lost keys does not necessarily constitute a miracle). Look for a lack of predictability, miracles tend to occur out of the blue.
8. How to Confess Your Sins and Receive Forgiveness: Avoid making up sins. More important than facts and figures is a spirit of repentance in your heart.
9. How to Resist Temptation: Run the other direction. Laugh at the tempter. Tell the Devil to go back to Hell. Martin Luther also used to tell people to commit a smaller sin to remind yourself that Jesus came specifically to save YOU from sin. (I personally think this is horrid, ALL sins caused Jesus' death, none are greater than another in God's eyes.)
10. How to banish the Devil from your Presence: Laugh out loud, the devil hates it. BREAK WIND. The devil, and anyone else in the room, might well leave you alone. (this is one of Martin Luther's favorites.)
11. Top 10 Bible Villains: #10 God's People: They whine, they sin, they turn their backs on God. When given freedom they blow it. When given a savior they kill him.
12. The Seven Funniest Bible Stories: David ambushes Saul in a cave while he's going to the bathroom. 1 Samuel 24:2-7
13. The Five Weirdest Laws in the Old Testament: 1. When an ox gores a man or woman, the ox shall be stoned and its flesh shall not be eaten; but the owner of the ox shall not be liable Exodus 21:28 2. The "no kid boiling" law. "you shall not boil a kid in its mother's milk" Ex. 23:19. Obviously a baby goat.
6 people think my kids are qtpies:
Hi, cool list!! those were funny!! I did a tt too, it's here: http://lifes-adventures.net
Cheers!!
so glad to see you are doing this again. I took a break from it as well, but am back and doing it twice. :)
here is my other list, this is from homemom3. Homemom3 has giveaways and babylune has ways to lose weight. love your list btw.
Those are real???
Many Jewish scholars point to that bit about boiling a kid in its mother's milk as the reason for keeping kosher. I'd heard it came about a different way; it's been so long, who knows the truth anymore?
That's hilarious! Fun to read.
Now that is a church with a sense of humor.
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