Ask and you shall receive.

I've been really searching for answers lately. I don't know all the answers that I am seeking, but God surely does let you know that He hears and He tells you what you need to know when you need to know it. 

I am planning a healing/survivor event for the women in our church, and part of that means that I need to be in that place as much as possible. I have resolved issues, which I struggle with being able to share, and I have an unresolved issue that I want to resolve (but it isn't totally in my hand to take care of). 

I have sought out prayer and sounding boards off of my friends. I have shared some of my thoughts and concerns on my blog (love you guys!), and I even had a random stranger make an impact on me. The solution was still out of reach, though. Keep praying. 

Last week I started going to a Beth Moore Bible study on Esther. While there, I just had a thought that it would be so good to be in a group with the person I have unresolved issues with. What better way to get through something than having to share personal things with and pray for each other? Not where I WANT to be, but I think it would be good. 

During the week, the ladies prayed over the women's names and randomly picked who goes in what group. Guess who I am in a group with? I don't think she was thrilled, but she did say that it would be good for us to reconnect because we don't see each other much, but she stopped short of saying that she was so glad I am in her group like she said with EVERY other woman today, lol. Really, did not bother me, because I know it would be a lie. She is trying to make the best of a situation she probably prayed wouldn't happen. (we don't not get along, there is just a very strong tension from 2 years ago, but we do try to be Christian sisters to each other)

Ah, I'm thinking God is going to work on the healing thing here! I am excited to see how it is played out. 

As I sat in the study watching the video, God spoke to me. And so clearly that even my friend Padma heard it. It wasn't just me. 

Maybe this won't make sense to other people without the whole video, but it really impacted me. 

Beth said "You can't amputate your history from your destiny." and she also talked about Jeremiah 29:11 "For I know the thoughts that I think toward you, saith the LORD, thoughts of peace, and not of evil, to give you and expected end." Other versions say "For I know the plans I have for you," declares the LORD, "plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future." The word for future in the original text is translated as past, behind, future, after. So basically she said "Your past and future share the same root." (root word, and Jesus) You can't have your future without your past. And you can't not look back at where God drug your sorry butt out of, or you will lose how amazing your redemption is. 

I believe that God is leading me to finally say my testimony. It is a part of who I am, and I am not ashamed of that. I do worry about the fall out on my family, and especially my husband, but I don't think I should worry about that. Even if we lost everything, if it helped one family, wouldn't it be worth it? 

Of course, I am being dramatic, because it shouldn't be a big deal. But we are dealing with humans, and I have seen and heard about people being destroyed by the church people when they should have been rejoiced with. I know that there are people who are going to be judgemental about things that ended 5 years ago. It shouldn't matter to me, and personally, mostly it doesn't. I guess we will find out!

However, all of this is making me ill. I am starting to have major anxiety. I don't want to leave my house. I don't want to go to church at all. I want to leave our church at the very least, and possibly never go back. Why? Nothing, absolutely nothing, has happened to make me feel this way. It is a spiritual attack for sure. So, I get up and go as much as I can. But believe me, I will stay home for the slightest sniffle, lol. 

So, there you have it. Me being dark, and not a comedian.