Dating vs. Courtship

People tend to get their panties in a bunch over this issue. What is dating and what is courtship? How can you not "date" and still find someone you love? You have to kiss to see if there is any chemistry!

Those are all things I have been told or asked.

What I mean by dating is going out places with someone, typically just the two of you, in order to pursue a romantic relationship. With or without the intent to find a spouse. With or without the readiness to be married, support a spouse, care for children as a result of the marriage. But most especially if the intent is to just play around and have fun dating several people over the years knowing that you probably won't marry the first person you date. Dating to "see where it goes." Many people do not have boundaries for dating, like making it only in groups, or having a physical limit set in stone for yourself. Mainstream dating especially is what I mean when I say "dating." The kind of dating I did in high school. It was fun. Having a boyfriend. Then dumping him, having a new boyfriend. Finding someone cuter and moving on.

By courtship I mean not dating for "fun" although it is fun, but with the purpose to marry. It isn't not going out together, but it is with boundaries and goals, not just frivolous fun. You both know you are looking for a spouse and have known each other long enough to know that you are both spiritually on the same plane, in agreement with most things, like each other as friends without a romantic relationship, and that you both are looking to get married.

By the time you get to courtship you are very good friends who are drawn to each other and both have prayed about it and feel that God wants you to pursue marriage with each other. Then you go out with the intent to build up a romantic relationship and head for marriage.

You most certainly can get there without "dating." You don't need to kiss to see if you are compatible. Believe me, marriage is about way more than physical chemistry, because sometimes chemistry goes flat. You can't judge a relationship on that. You have to be able to love each other even as that comes and goes through the years.

Boundaries are very important. You protect the physical boundaries with care and love for the other person. You take care not to create an emotional intimacy too soon because if you were to break up it would be heart breaking.

Many people who practice courtship deal with their attraction to the opposite sex by praying and asking God to take away that desire until the right time and the right person. I have read about people struggled greatly with that, but they pursued purity for their marriage one day. In the end, they knew when God was directing them to the right person at the right time, and it is beautiful. Neither had heartache or regrets and went into marriage with such a love that it amazes me.

Do courting couples "date?" Some do. Some do go out alone after they are "courting." That is a person's choice. Some people take courting very seriously and they are never fully alone. They may go sit outside the house in full view so they can talk privately, but they don't go off alone. In a car, to the movies, etc. They stay in groups.

Some people are strict about physical boundaries and make a plan not to have more than normal physical contact. They don't hug, hold hands, put their arms around each other, and do not kiss. They seek to protect purity. Others who court protect that until they have made the commitment to marry, then they will allow hugging, hand holding, kissing maybe. That is between the couple and God.

So, when I say I don't allow dating, I don't mean that my kids can't go out and do things with people they like, I mean they don't go out alone and they don't pursue a romantic relationship while they are clearly too young to be marriage minded. They are allowed to pursue friendship and go out and do fun things with a group that includes someone they like in order to grow the friendship and see if they are compatible and if God draws them closer over time.

I don't lock them in a windowless cell. I don't distrust them. I don't fear that I so poorly raised them that they shouldn't be allowed out of the house. I completely trust that God has provided a good foundation.

I also KNOW that hormones are raging and good judgement flees. You don't throw a lit match in a garden shed of dynamite and shut the door. The Bible says "The heart is deceitful above all things." You can't trust what your heart is telling you. You need to trust what God is telling you. I do not believe that God very often tells people in high school that they are ready to pursue marriage. I also do not for one moment believe that there is any Biblical backing for dating to find the right person.

Do I think it is a sin to date? No.

I do know that my husband and I prayed and sought God's will in this area for our children. We are confident that God does not want our children dating, as the mainstream version of dating goes. This was not our decision, this is something that God put strongly on our hearts and has not changed our hearts on. We cannot NOT do this, it would be directly telling God that He doesn't know what is best for our kids, WE do.

So when someone says that we are not trusting God and how we raised our kids if we don't allow dating, they are telling us that God doesn't know what He is talking about. They are telling us to disobey God. That we are crazy for obeying God. That we are causing our children to sin by obeying God.

You can't force someone into sin. People choose to sin. My children have the choice to obey God, and us, or not. Dating is not the sin, disobeying us, and therefore God, is a sin. We have to discipline them, not change the rules when God has led us to make them. If we don't discipline the sin, then God will discipline us.

Who doesn't sin? I do. Of course my kids are going to sin. They are human. You don't stop sinning because you have been raised in church, or by good parenting, or by being saved. Having rules does not cause my children to sin. Following their heart to do what they "feel" instead of choosing self-control and obedience causes them to sin. Just like the rest of us. We choose to do what feels good/right at the time instead of using self-control and obeying.

Being under parents authority is practice for obeying God. We know better than our children, and make the rules. God knows better than we do, and He makes the rules. They are not always fun, but they are always for our good, or someone else's good.

Even if you think that dating is fine, what harm will come from refraining from dating until you are ready for all that it brings? Will you really be harmed if you wait to date until you are in the position to handle marriage and children? Could you be harmed if you don't wait?

Giving your heart to someone is a big deal. You don't get it back.