My friends are one of the biggest blessings in my life

My life took a huge turn on Monday night and I have been sleeping for most of yesterday, but today I am up to writing.

Friday evening I had some spotting, but it was brown and I didn't really worry about it too much. I could have been as simple as the placenta growing, many women have spotting and nothing is wrong, besides, it wasn't fresh blood.

Monday I had one tiny drop of blood and that was it. But I figured I should get my progesterone levels checked because I am advanced maternal age and if I do have low progesterone it is an easy fix if you catch it early enough.

I called the clinic and asked to have my doctor run a progesterone test. The receptionist wouldn't let me make an appointment because I hadn't had a pregnancy test done at the clinic yet and I had to do that and then set an OB Educator appointment before I was allowed to make an appointment with my doctor. That OB class can take 2-4 weeks to get into, if I do have low progesterone, the baby will be dead and this is an easy fix if you catch it early. Nope, that is the policy. I told her that my doctor would put my baby's health before their policy and made her contact him. Sure enough he scheduled an ultrasound for Tuesday and an appointment with him on Thursday.

Monday night I was at my friend Jody's house with my friend Anna for a women's ministry meeting. (we do it later at night over there because her husband is gone a lot, and it is easier to have fun and talk longer when we are at her house, hehe) About 9:45 I started getting uncomfortable and it quickly turned into pain in my abdomen. By the time I got home I was doubled over and couldn't stand up straight.

I didn't immediately attribute it to my pregnancy because I wasn't bleeding and half my house is sick, including Kaytlin, who had said she had the worst menstrual cramps of her life and her pains were in the same places as my pain. But as mine continued to be bad and I didn't seem to have diarrhea that would explain it away, I started to think I better be safe and check the symptoms of an ectopic pregnancy. Everything, from back pain to rectal pain was included and I had all the symptoms. So, off to the ER we went at 11:30PM.

After a very painful and long ultrasound experience, we found that I had a cyst on my ovary, pooling blood behind my uterus, but they couldn't really see if I had an ectopic pregnancy or rupture since I was still only 5 weeks along. It could have been the cyst, though I was pretty sure that the cyst was just from ovulating, a normal thing. We didn't know if I was going to be able to have the laproscopic surgery or not, either, because of scarring from the two c-sections I have had, and if the scarring was bad he would have to do invasive surgery. He wanted to do a D&C because my uterus is still closed and "pregnant" without the baby and he said it could take a month to get through that, but I refused, I don't need another traumatic surgery or risk a puncture or more scar tissue.

There really was no option but to do surgery, the bleeding had to be found and stopped or I would soon go into shock and could die. But I had no idea if the baby was already dead or not, and I was so torn up inside because to take the baby from the tube was to kill it, and it goes against everything that I believe in. I just was so horrified to have to sign that I was agreeing to kill my child.

I know that I had no choice, there really was nothing to do but die with the baby or to take the baby and let me live. Not really a choice. It was the right thing to do, but it doesn't take the pain away.

My friends didn't try to stop me from feeling that it was wrong, they understood my pain and validated my feelings instead of saying that I had no choice and that it wasn't wrong. They agreed with me, sympathized with me and just loved me through the pain. They didn't try to make me feel better or get rid of my guilt, they just loved me and cried with me and held me. They listened.

My heart is broken over what I had to do, but it is OK, I know that God knows and loves me.

When I discovered I was going to have to go through the surgery I tried making some calls but I just couldn't talk, so I let Jody make the calls for me. It was 2AM, but she tried to call our friends, lol. I prayed and asked God that I had already ruptured so that I could live with the choice of taking the baby. I also prayed that my recovery nurse would be a friend of mine who is a pastor's wife, because I knew she would understand my pain. Not the pain of losing the baby, but the guilt.

When I woke up in the recovery room the very first thing I heard was that they had taken the left tube. I knew then that it was not the cyst, and that they had taken the baby. I really lost it and Brenda was my nurse! She hugged me and comforted me and just loved me. God is so good! Brenda went and found out from the doctor that I had ruptured, and that helped me some, too.

I had a really hard time staying awake and kept dozing off, but I had a reaction to the morphine that apparently took away my involuntary reflex to breath, which apparently you need when you are asleep, lol. So every time I would nod off, which was every 5 seconds or so, I would stop breathing. Brenda kept yelling at me to Breath, Lisa! and I would wake up and breath and say I was breathing and then nod off and stop. I had to consciously think about each breath while I was awake, but I couldn't stay awake. She must have given me something to counter act the morphine because I fell asleep and stayed that way and I am still alive.

Finally I was moved to a lesser recovery room. I was still so tired I couldn't open my eyes, and even when I did I couldn't see much, it was like I didn't have my glasses on even though I did. I started feeling really nauseated. I told the new nurse that I was going to throw up. She was digging through the cupboards and saying "Hold on! Just wait, hold on! I'll grab a trash can!" She finally found a little throw up container in the bathroom just in the nick of time. Sort of, LOL. I got it in time, but it certainly doesn't hold much. She was standing beside me trying to set the bed up further so I wouldn't choke on it, but she was so worried about getting puked on that she had a pillow between her and I and kept saying "Oh, wow! It's OK. Everything is going to be OK. You're OK. It's OK." LOL She was so funny! I couldn't laugh, but I was thinking it was too funny and I am so going to blog that! I am not sure what the problem was because she was able to clean the bed and the bucket without gagging or anything, so it must just be the watching it happen that bothered her. Donnie said he is in the wrong career field.

I was able to go home at 6AM. Of course we just slept and slept. Except Donnie, who only got a couple of hours before he had to log into work. Cody and Hope-Anne were both sick on Monday and still sick on Tuesday, so they were home and took care of me and Trinity and Samuel even though they felt really sick.

My friend Anna came over first thing in the morning and just cried with me. I am so thankful for that. She didn't try to make me feel better, just loved me and felt my pain. My pastor came over later and didn't try to make me feel better, but he did say that he could only relate what I was feeling to war. God says not to kill, but sometimes he would send his people to kill, it isnt' pleasant, but it has to be done. I think that is like what I had to do. There isn't a way to feel OK with it, but it was necessary. Then my friend Sarah called me and just loved on me and let me talk and didn't try to make me feel better, just loved on me and felt my pain. Then Jody came over last night on her way home from work and brought me the stuff I hadn't been allowed to have while pregnant. Donnie do took me off caffeine after the spotting started and my midwife had taken me off chocolate to help the morning sickness. So she brought me a 12 pack of my favorite soda and some candy bars! Some flowers from her boys, too. And my friend Jeannie called me too and listened to me talk.

My sister and sister in law have been amazing and loving me on facebook. Neither of them are hard core believers, but their loving support was just what I needed.

For the most part I couldn't stay up more than 20 minutes at a time yesterday, but the pain was managed well, and after all the loving support I had, I am doing so much better emotionally. This post is easy to write, in spite of the tears, because God has surrounded me with love and support and made everything as easy as it can be in this situation.

I did find out that Donnie was shown before and after pictures and there was a LOT of blood inside and the tube had ruptured, but the baby was still in there. We are doing OK with that, as much as we can be. I only lost one fallopian tube and everything else is intact. I still have to go through a "miscarriage" when my body realizes I am not pregnant but I am prepared for that.

Trinity was my big concern. She had prayed for this baby and God had answered her prayer and I didn't know how this would affect her. I let her name the baby, and she named her Suzy, I'll have to blog about that, it is cute. But she was having trouble understanding, of course, and at times worried that she would die, too. So please pray for her. She does seem to have finally understood that Suzy is in heaven with Jesus and she will get to see her one day.

I am tired today, but doing really well and I am finally at peace with what happened. I am so blessed to have so many friends and family who just love me. I have a long way to go, physically, and maybe emotionally, but I am so confident that it will be OK.