Pain

This past 8 months I have not felt up to blogging or writing my newspaper articles. I force myself to blog, but I can't bring myself to go back to the paper and write about young children. I have been in a bad mental state since my ectopic pregnancy rupture.
I gave myself time to grieve, it was rough, I very easily could be dead right now, and the choice we had to make rocked our world. But I couldn't understand why I was grieving for so long.
Kaytlin was a twin, but her twin died somewhere between month 3 and 4. It was hard, but I had Kaytlin and I did OK. Between Devon and Cody I lost a baby who was due January 5th at 9 weeks gestation, though the baby had died at 6 weeks. That was tough, but I was pregnant with Cody by the due date and replaced my grief with the fact that I wouldn't have Cody if I hadn't lost the other baby.
I've had a few more miscarriages, mostly I find out I am pregnant and the next day it is over. Those were sad, but not horrible.

Why do I feel like I am going to lose my mind over this one? I've really struggled. I can't forget for a day. Not one day in 8 months. In spite of the bad advice to focus on the 7 healthy children I do have, I can't forget and stop mourning for the child who died.

January 3rd was the due date. I made it through the due date with nothing more than some held back tears because Drew was home and I just enjoyed being with him. But getting ready for Christmas? That was horrible. I would lay there in bed and think that my abdomen should be huge and there should be a kicking baby in there that I would be getting ready to welcome into our home. I should have been putting up the bassinet and the tree. Washing baby clothes and buying cloth diapers for a newborn.

So why is this so much harder to deal with than the other babies? I didn't even want to be pregnant when I found out. I didn't even believe it for a week.

I was talking to one of our pastors and his wife last night and I think I understand. This loss was traumatic. It took away more than just my baby, it took away my thoughts of the world. I was so against abortion (still am) and was so sure that there just wasn't a choice of the mother over the baby, you leave that in God's hands. I never associated ectopic pregnancy with abortions, though. The baby wasn't going to make it, so it wasn't really an abortion??? I don't know, but when I had to sign to have my baby pulled from my body without knowing if he/she was still alive I fell apart. I died inside. It literally was me and the baby or the baby. The baby was going to die no matter what I did, and if I didn't choose me, I was going to die, too. There was no choice, yet the choice had to be made.

I lost by baby, I lost my tube, and I lost my view of the world. And it sucks. Big time.