A little funny to bring some cheer!

AN OPEN LETTER TO MR. JAMES THATCHER BRAND MANAGER AT PROCTER & GAMBLE.

Dear Mr. Thatcher,

I have been a loyal user of your Always maxi pads for
over 20 years, and I appreciate many of their
features. Why, without the LeakGuard Core ™ or
Dri-Weave(tm) absorbency, I’d probably never go
horseback riding or salsa dancing, and I’d certainly
steer clear of running up and down the beach in tight,
white shorts. But my favorite feature has to be your
revolutionary Flexi-Wings. Kudos on being the only
company smart enough to realize how crucial it is that
maxi pads be aerodynamic.

I can’t tell you how safe and secure I feel each month
knowing there’s a little F-16 in my pants. Have you
ever had a menstrual period, Mr. Thatcher? Ever
suffered from “the curse”? I’m guessing you haven’t.
Well, my “time of the month” is starting right now. As
I type, I can already feel hormonal forces violently
surging through my body. Just a few minutes from now,
my body will adjust and I’ll be transformed into what
my husband likes to call “an inbred hillbilly with
knife skills.” Isn’t the human body amazing?
As brand manager in the feminine-hygiene division,
you’ve no doubt seen quite a bit of research on what
exactly happens during your customers’ monthly visits
from Aunt Flo.

Therefore, you must know about the bloating,
puffiness, and cramping we endure, and about our
intense mood swings, crying jags, and out-of-control
behavior. You surely realize it’s a tough time for
most women. In fact, only last week, my friend
Jennifer fought the violent urge to shove her
boyfriend’s testicles into a George Foreman Grill just
because he told her he thought Grey’s Anatomy was
written by drunken chimps. Crazy!
The point is, sir, you of all people must realize that
America is just crawling with homicidal maniacs in
capri pants.

Which brings me to the reason for my letter. Last
month, while in the throes of cramping so painful I
wanted to reach inside my body and yank out my uterus,
I opened an Always maxi pad, and there, printed on the
adhesive backing, were these words: “Have a Happy
Period.”

Are you kidding me? What I mean is, does
any part of your tiny middle-manager brain really
think happiness – actual smiling, laughing
happiness-is possible during a menstrual period? Did
anything mentioned above sound the least bit
pleasurable? Well, did it, James? FYI, unless you’re
some kind of sick S&M freak girl, there will never be
anything “happy” about a day in which you have to jack
yourself up on Motrin and Kahlúa and lock yourself in
your house just so you don’t march down to the local
Walgreens armed with a hunting rifle and a sketchy
plan to end your life in a blaze of glory.

For the love of God, pull your head out, man. If you
just have to slap a moronic message on a maxi pad,
wouldn’t it make more sense to say something that’s
actually pertinent, like “Put Down the Hammer” or
“Vehicular Manslaughter Is Wrong”? Or are you just
picking on us?

Sir, please inform your accounting department that,
effective immediately, there will be an $8 drop in
monthly profits, for I have chosen to take my maxi-pad
business elsewhere. And though I will certainly miss
your Flexi-Wings, I will not for one minute miss your
brand of condescending BS.
And that’s a promise I will keep – Always.

Best Regards,
Wendi Aarons